It’s a nasty word that none of us want to deal with. BUT.
Can you actually use it to your advantage?
Absolutely!
Join me this week in the discussion on how we can best use our failures to catapult us to greater success.
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At the end of my fifth-grade year, I took part in our annual school play. Put on entirely by the fifth graders, it was supposed to be a way to introduce kids to the arts program before band, music, and other opportunities opened up.
For me, it became a self-defeating narrative that plagued me long into adulthood.
When the parts of the play were announced, I was excited. I had always been an outgoing, energetic, and rambunctious kid. Fairly outgoing, I thought that this would be a wonderful time to explore acting.
I got the practice lines and spent weeks rehearsing them.
Before school.
After school.
With friends.
In the mirror.
I wanted to nail one of the lead roles.
After the auditions, the music teacher announced the roles by posting them on the bulletin board outside her classroom. I excitedly went up to find my name.
Except, it wasn’t listed alongside any of the starting roles. Or any of the secondary roles.
On the roster, I was listed dead last. In fact, I think my official role was titled, “Person #6” or something like that.
The rule was that everyone had to have a part. I was listed even below my friends who wanted no part in the play. It was almost like they went, “Oh crap. Not everyone has a part. Let’s make some up.”
I felt like a failure.
Hurt.
Embarrassed.
My only part was at the very end of the play. After almost an hour and a half of watching everyone else get up on stage and do something exciting, I got into position for my scene.
What did I do?
At the very back of the stage, behind all the singing and dancing of almost the entire fifth-grade class, I walked from stage left to stage right.
No stopping.
No speaking.
No interaction.
The Biggest Failure I Ever Had
That moment is the biggest failure I ever had.
Well, not quite, but I also see how that experience, in many ways, led to a lot of my other failures.
From that moment I took away a feeling of shame and embarrassment.
I let that moment define much of the next 25 years of my life in one way or another.
The Biggest Failure I ever made.
Why try something new? You’ll just be “Person #6” again.
Why put yourself out there? Remember the last time you did that how you got nothing out of it anyway? Just quit.
“You’re not good enough.”
“Don’t embarrass yourself again.”
“You’re a loser.”
“You can’t do anything right.”
My narrative, until I was almost thirty resonated with many of these thoughts. Thankfully, through years and years of therapy, coaching, and personal development I have been able to (mostly) shake that false narrative.
The real tragedy
But there is a real tragedy and a real failure in all of this.
One that I could easily say is the biggest failure I ever had.
What is it?
I listened to that awful narrative. For nearly twenty years, I let one failure and setback dictate the rest of my life.
It was why I could never be a good enough student.
Run for a school position.
Emerge as a leader.
Become a good husband.
Be a good father.
The biggest mistake I ever had, was letting my mistakes define me.
Having a growth mindset
Now, after those years of therapy, coaching, and personal development I try to practice a growth mindset.
A firm and unwavering belief that I can (and will) learn from any and every situation.
Tried a new weight limit for squat? Got buried at the bottom. Okay, not a big deal. What can I learn to improve and get stronger?
Lost my temper with my kids? Not who I want to be. What happened? How can I better control my emotions?
Lost a sale or business venture? It happens. How can I improve so I close the deal the next time?
Nelson Mandela once said, “I never lose. I either win or I learn.”
That’s a key foundation to a growth mindset.
Failure is only fatal, only final if we use it as an excuse to quit or give up. Otherwise, it’s a learning opportunity.
Don’t let the greatest failure you ever make be the acceptance of a (false) limiting belief or narrative about your life. Embrace failure and use it to make yourself, and those around you, better.
This week, Elise and I talk about the importance of goal setting. Without goals, we drift aimlessly through life.
Instead, learn how to set attainable goals, live with clarity, and reach your ultimate version of success.
Looking for more? Join the weekly discussions that happen on all platforms. We pick one topic and spend a week diving into that topic so you can apply what you’re learning.
After my college graduation, I had a conversation with my older brother about what was next in life. Everyone, it seemed, had a keen interest in me up to that point. They always wanted to know I wanted to be when I grew up, what college I was going to, and what I was going to major in.
But I never had one conversation about what happened after that. How do I start a successful marriage (I didn’t do that one well)? How do I grow in emotional health (took a lot of trips to the therapist’s office)? How do I pass on key values to my children (still figuring that one out…)?
The problem was that no one had taught me how to set goals for what came after graduation.
I wasted a lot of time (and hurt a lot of people) because I was a goalless drifter.
People without goals are people without a future.
Ready, Set, Goal!
One key to sustainable success is the daily habit of setting, reviewing, and reestablishing goals.
One of my practices is to use Michael Hyatt’sFull Focus Planner. I’ve used it for over a year now and absolutely love both the structure and order it gives me, while also allowing a great deal of freedom in the process.
I’ve also discovered the power of paper and what it means to write goals down. It’s easy to think, “My goal is…” because we often forget it. But by writing goals down, it not only gives us a visual reminder of what we’re trying to accomplish but cements it into our brain better.
By getting clear and specific on what we are aiming at, we gain a strategic advantage to sustainable success. The key discipline though is to make our goals S.M.A.R.T.E.R.
S.M.A.R.T.E.R Goals
When you’re ready to say, “Ready, Set, Goal!” you must begin by making sure you have the right format.
S: Specific. Make sure the goals you set are clear on the intended destination. Don’t think, “Lose weight.” Instead write, “I want to lose twenty pounds.”
M: Measurable. Similar to specific, measurable makes sure that what you’re aiming for can actually be hit. Avoid using jargon or filler words in your goal-setting times. Don’t think, “Be more productive.” Instead, write that you want to, “Use my time wisely by spending no more than thirty minutes a day on social media.” Ouch. That one may hurt a bit, but it’s measurable. You can use apps or the integrated Apple Screen Time (if you’re an iPhone user) to track how you’re spending your time on your phone.
A: Actionable. Start your goals with action-oriented verbs (as opposed to “to-be” verbs). This focuses your attention on what needs to be accomplished. Don’t write, “Be better at date nights.” Instead, try, “Take my spouse on one date night every week.” Now you know how to take action to accomplish your goal.
R: Realistic. This one can be challenging, and we’ll talk about short and long term goals in a second. But realism is important in goal setting. Too often, goals fail because they either don’t inspire us or are unattainable. Realistic goals should do both. “Complete my ebook and submit to the publisher by the end of quarter three.” This goal meets the first three points and is entirely realistic (even if you’re not very far into your book). However creating a goal like, “Establish the first hotel chain on the moon by the end of the year” meets the first three steps in the process, but not the last one. To take action that inspires, your goal must be reasonable.
T: Timely. Put some hustle in it. This is where I work hard with my clients to push ourselves on our goals. Strive for greatness and see what you can do. If your goal is to gain three new speaking opportunities for your business, fantastic! But put yourself under a time constraint to reach that goal. “Acquire three new speaking opportunities by the end of August.” It’s clear, concise, and gives you a visible target to know if you’ve hit your goal. It also pushes you to keep working and avoid drifting from your goal. The end of August is coming up quick after all.
E: Exciting. Your goals should scare you a little bit. If not, you’ll never grow. This is honestly one of my big descriptors for the clients that I work with. We always work a little scared. If you’re making $50,000 a year and want to work with me, and your goal is to make $50,000 next year as well, we probably won’t be a good fit. You still might have some great goals, but I want my clients to push themselves. My clients are making $50,000 but want to make $125,000. They know they need to get serious about pursuing their dreams.
And it works in all areas of life too. Want a better marriage? Don’t take your spouse on four dates a year, take them on two a week. That shows me you’re serious about reprioritizing your schedule to thrive in your relationship.
R: Relevant. This one matters, but more in the daily habits of life. I regularly review my goals to make sure they are still what I want. Every year, I sit down and try to project out a year to set goals throughout. A number of times I’ve set a goal in January, gotten to May, and then realized it was no longer relevant. That’s not a bad thing! Those goals pushed me and stretched me in new ways that have forever changed me. But in that growth process, I realized that I needed to rechart my course and set a new destination.
Don’t be afraid to reevaluate your goals and start a new direction. That’s the fun part of goal setting.
In the latest episode of the LeaderQuest Podcast, join Elise and I as we talk about the mindset difference between obstacles and opportunities.
This can be tricky, right? Maybe we sense fear or danger and think that we should turn around. Yet just as often, that can be the indication that we are on the right track.
To learn how to change your mindset, gain some momentum, and experience more out of life, give this episode a listen!
As always, leave a comment on what stood out to you!
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